Buses and Trains

My 9-5 has become more than just that.  It has become a blessing in terms of allowing me to feel safe to let go.  To let people inside my little bubble.  It’s not hard because the people I meet are spectacular.  The trouble is, most of them are interns and fellows who transition in and out of our office on a routine basis.  Like on buses and trains where people get on and people get off.

I remember when the first intern left.  I couldn’t explain what was happening to me – I wouldn’t stop crying!  In front of him, our pastor and other colleagues.  Somehow, our office is not just a workplace.  It’s a community.  A family even.

KW once asked me if getting close to people whom you know will be leaving in a number of months traumatizes me.  I hope not!  It is rather unsettling to come to terms with the fact that the people you surround yourself with are bound to leave you sooner or later.  I think I told her that I would rather make the most out of the time that they are here and that getting to experience life with another person far outweighs shutting myself down and avoiding heartbreak.

Another intern is about to leave, quite suddenly I might add, so I will only have a week to prepare myself.  It’s good because we get to be neighbors, go out, talk, go on trips and, haha, work together.  But it’s bad because we get to be neighbors, go out, talk, go on trips, work together and suddenly it’s goodbye.  She wasn’t expecting the news from her family that has her leaving so soon when she had planned to stay a couple more months.  She was torn between wanting and needing to be with her family and having to say goodbye to her overseas family here whom she had interacted with everyday for the past year.  I assured her it was all going to be okay.  That she was going to be okay.  I joke that she will forget about me as soon as she gets on her plane out of here.

It’s funny because there are still times when I convince myself out of the genuineness of these friendships amidst the near-constant affirmations I get.  My brain just would not allow me to believe that these relationships are true enough to be good.  What do they possibly see in me to invest their time and energy in building a relationship with me??  Part of me hopes it is not only done out of convenience.

Kind of like God’s love for us. Well, for me specifically.  For the longest time, I could not wrap my head around it.  Flawed and broken me?  Loved?  It’s a process and I’m learning that letting go can lead you to adventure, beauty, joy and yes, love.

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